📆 12.07.21 – 16.07.21 📆
To whoever is reading this
I’ve always tried as hard as possible to prove to everyone that I deserve to be here, but with this diagnosis, I felt like that just wasn’t good enough any more – it’s the most infuriating feeling, like you have a lot of ambition but your body is incapable of keeping up.
I realise this is all I’ve been talking about for weeks now, but that’s because it’s always on my mind. I didn’t want to ask for help because I was so scared it would make me look weak, like I couldn’t do my job. Instead, I’ve been working craaaazy long hours to do everything myself. And that worked for a while. It didn’t impress my boss so much as make myself feel better about myself.
Looking back at what’s changed since my first week, I have a lot more responsibility – all the matters are in my own name so I have to ensure all my tasks are done on time, everything is up to date, all the emails are filed and the documents are named so it’s easy to understand if one of my colleagues has to work on it if I’m away.
There’s also more expectation on me. I’ve been drafting the precedent emails we use, most of phone calls are diverted to me, I’m being asked to train newer members of staff. I keep thinking I’m a newer member of staff and then I realize I’ve been here for nearly a year 🤣 it is a little stressful at times, I’m always learning new things, everyday, so it’s daunting, but it forces me to stay on top of my game. I’ve tried to be a lot more proactive – I like to think of my boss as a last resort, not the go to every single time I have a question, even if that means spending a little extra time researching to figure everything out.
But this week, it just got to be too much. Im not sure why, it’s not like my work load was significantly different. I was just having a bad day. COVID should have taught me the importance of staying healthy, changing my work environment and having a positive mindset, but I’ve always been my worst enemy and super stubborn.
In moments like this, when I have so much going on and feeling completely overwhelmed, I just stick my headphones in and block everything else out. It really energises me, I work well under pressure and like setting challenges for myself – but this week, I’ve realised the importance of asking for help as well. I’ve never been good at expressing how I feel – I think someone is playing a practical joke on me, of course I’m diagnosed with a condition where I’m forced to say when I’m in pain as it’s not otherwise visible – but I was stressing (and I mean stressing for WEEKS) over the smallest thing and when I finally reached out for help, it was a simple fix. It took me a while to learn that asking for help doesn’t make you look like an incompetent employee.
I also realized that it’s okay not to be okay. It’s been 2 months since I received my diagnoses. 2 months was the time limit I gave myself to accept it. Turns out, life isn’t like that! Sometimes I feel sad and angry and all those other negative, crappy feelings. But I’m learning to look on the positive side of things and be grateful for what I have.
Legally Correct 